The Ride

If my memory serves me correct, there's a song called The Ride by Hank Williams, Jr. And no, that's not what I'm referring to in the title of this particular blog post! This ride I"m referring to is the emotional roller coaster ride that comes with adoption and family in general. I've never been a big fan of roller coasters and the last four months in particular have reminded me why.

To recap: In the last four months, my best friend's son died, we put Bo down the next day, we've had six potential matches with six clear rejections, and my father had a heart attack and then had triple bypass surgery. The last two just occurred over the last three weeks.

Dad is doing well, and we hope he'll be released from the hospital in about another week. Thank God for that news! Hopefully he won't have any more set backs as he did just a few days after his surgery (which landed him back in CVICU).

I was on the road by myself on Monday, February 1 for what would normally be a 10 or 10.5 hour drive. I knew the drive would be expanded by at least two hours, if not more, because of a rock slide on I-40 in Asheville which meant a massive detour. The region had also just been dumped with nearly a foot of snow, which could potentially increase drive-time. On my drive down to SC to be there for my parents and my brother, Chris, I got a call from our adoption law team. Amber informed me that she had gotten a call from a birth mother who was scheduled to have a C-section in two days. The delivery of her child would take place on the day my dad was to have his surgery. The birth mother was in Georgia - convenient, right? The birth mother was also anxious to make a decision - NOW. She had already had counseling and had spoken to an attorney in Atlanta, where she was due to give birth. Amber arranged for the birth mother to call me. Our first conversations were quite amusing, and we made arrangements for her to call me later in the evening when she got off work.

Since Kurt wasn't with me due to his work situation, we tried to make sure the birth mother knew we'd be available to arrange a conference call. But birth mother started asking some bizarre questions; we came to find out from Amber that she was insisting Kurt and I be at the hospital in the delivery room when she gave birth. But birth mother was concerned that I had "divided interests" with the situation with my father. Ya think?

Between conversations with me and with Kurt, we spoke to birth mother no less than six times. She reached out to Amber an additional six times. It seemed like a done deal. Before we finally turned in for the night, birth mother promised us she would call us the next morning for our big conference call (at 6 am, no less). Kurt and I were already thinking about how he would immediately get on a plane to Georgia and I'd meet him there for the delivery.

In the meantime, my heart was indeed conflicted and divided. My purpose was to be there for my family. My fear was that my dad wouldn't live long enough to see his first grandchild. How could I leave my family in the midst of such a challenging time? Both of my parents gave me their blessing to go and be with "our child" (if birth mother chose us) and that this would be something for all of us to look forward to. I tried to buy into their enthusiasm but I still felt torn. If we had been chosen, we would have been required, by Georgia law, to remain in the state for seven days before we could leave with the baby. What if my father didn't make it? My mother would have been forced to either have the funeral without me and my husband there, or prolong her own suffering by waiting until we could leave the state to bury him. I certainly couldn't leave Kurt in a hotel room with a newborn baby if I had to leave urgently!

They were all "what if's" but they were questions I had to ask of myself. I was literally sick to my stomach at being faced with what I felt was this captivity the birth mother had placed me under. I realized I was making a decision to do what she wanted without giving consideration to anyone else; I was making a decision to please the birth mother just so she would give us her child.

A sleepless night crept into morning but the phone never rang. We waited and waited but the birth mother never called. Our legal team never heard from her again either. We have no idea what happened. As I said goodbye to my father before he was wheeled into surgery the morning of February 3rd (the day after my birthday), my thoughts immediately went to the child that was coming into this world, somewhere in Georgia; the child that could have been ours. I wondered if it was a boy or a girl; blond hair or brown. What would we have named him or her? We hadn't even decided on names yet!

Only when we were able to visit my dad a few hours after his successful operation did I finally realize that I felt as if I had lost my baby and almost lost my father on the same exact day. I've never experienced a miscarriage but the pain in my heart was no less than what I suspect is the real deal for someone who has lost a baby.

The feeling of being punched in the gut hasn't gone away, and I'm (sadly) to the point where I don't even care if we ever have a baby now. I'm certain my heart won't survive another similar scenario.

Adopted for Life

Our church, Zionsville Fellowship, has started an amazing ministry that cares for orphans. The ministry is based on James 1:27 which says, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

This ministry offers people a variety of opportunities to help orphans whether it is through prayer, financial support or resources for those seeking to adopt. We are truly blessed to serve in this capacity. It has become especially poignant to us right now as we are in the middle of our adoption process.

One resource made available to us is a book by Russell Moore called Adopted for Life. The book explores the priority of adoption for Christian families and churches. I believe it is time for the church to recognize it is the only institution large enough – and the only institution called to deal with this issue.

Beyond that, the book explores adoption between our Heavenly Father and us as His adopted sons and daughters. Let me share a bit of the book with you in the hope that it will bring you great encouragement.

"Imagine for a moment that you're adopting a child. As you meet with the social worker in the last stage of the process, you're told that this twelve-year-old has been in and out of psychotherapy since he was three. He persists in burning things and attempting repeatedly to skin kittens alive. He 'acts out sexually', the social worker says, although she doesn't really fill you in what that means. She continues with a little family history. The boy's father, grandfather, great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather all had histories of violence, ranging from spousal abuse to serial murder. Each of them ended life the same way, death by suicide - each found hanging from a rope of blankets in his respective prison cell.

Think for a minute. Would you want this child? If you did adopt him, wouldn't you keep your eye on him as he played with your other children? Would you watch him nervously as he looks at the butcher knife on the table? Would you leave the room as he watched a movie on television with your daughter, with the lights out?

Well, he's you. And he's me. That's what the gospel is telling us. Our birth father has fangs. And left to ourselves, we'll show ourselves to be the serpentine as he is.

But the New Testament addresses former Satan-imagers with good news. It's not just that we have a stay of execution, a suspension of doom. It's not simply that those who trust in Christ have found a refuge, a safe place, or a foster home. All those in Christ, Paul urges, have received sonship. We are now 'Abraham's offspring' (Gal. 3:29). Within this household... all those who are in Christ have found a home through the adopting power of God.

We are here by the Spirit, not by the exertions of our flesh. We're here by grace.

The promise has dawned, and our identity is now found in him. All of us - whatever our background - have been liberated from the old order (Gal. 4:1-5) and from 'the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear' (Rom. 8:15). We now come before God as sons bearing the very same Spirit as was poured out on the Lord Jesus at the Jordan River, a Spirit through which we cry, 'Abba!'"

Wow! I don't know about you but I get a lump in my throat when I read that... and let it sink in. If you are in Christ, never doubt that you are adopted by God. And because God's got some experience in this adoption thing, never doubt that you will not walk this journey alone.

Are you adopted for life?