If my memory serves me correct, there's a song called The Ride by Hank Williams, Jr. And no, that's not what I'm referring to in the title of this particular blog post! This ride I"m referring to is the emotional roller coaster ride that comes with adoption and family in general. I've never been a big fan of roller coasters and the last four months in particular have reminded me why.
To recap: In the last four months, my best friend's son died, we put Bo down the next day, we've had six potential matches with six clear rejections, and my father had a heart attack and then had triple bypass surgery. The last two just occurred over the last three weeks.
Dad is doing well, and we hope he'll be released from the hospital in about another week. Thank God for that news! Hopefully he won't have any more set backs as he did just a few days after his surgery (which landed him back in CVICU).
I was on the road by myself on Monday, February 1 for what would normally be a 10 or 10.5 hour drive. I knew the drive would be expanded by at least two hours, if not more, because of a rock slide on I-40 in Asheville which meant a massive detour. The region had also just been dumped with nearly a foot of snow, which could potentially increase drive-time. On my drive down to SC to be there for my parents and my brother, Chris, I got a call from our adoption law team. Amber informed me that she had gotten a call from a birth mother who was scheduled to have a C-section in two days. The delivery of her child would take place on the day my dad was to have his surgery. The birth mother was in Georgia - convenient, right? The birth mother was also anxious to make a decision - NOW. She had already had counseling and had spoken to an attorney in Atlanta, where she was due to give birth. Amber arranged for the birth mother to call me. Our first conversations were quite amusing, and we made arrangements for her to call me later in the evening when she got off work.
Since Kurt wasn't with me due to his work situation, we tried to make sure the birth mother knew we'd be available to arrange a conference call. But birth mother started asking some bizarre questions; we came to find out from Amber that she was insisting Kurt and I be at the hospital in the delivery room when she gave birth. But birth mother was concerned that I had "divided interests" with the situation with my father. Ya think?
Between conversations with me and with Kurt, we spoke to birth mother no less than six times. She reached out to Amber an additional six times. It seemed like a done deal. Before we finally turned in for the night, birth mother promised us she would call us the next morning for our big conference call (at 6 am, no less). Kurt and I were already thinking about how he would immediately get on a plane to Georgia and I'd meet him there for the delivery.
In the meantime, my heart was indeed conflicted and divided. My purpose was to be there for my family. My fear was that my dad wouldn't live long enough to see his first grandchild. How could I leave my family in the midst of such a challenging time? Both of my parents gave me their blessing to go and be with "our child" (if birth mother chose us) and that this would be something for all of us to look forward to. I tried to buy into their enthusiasm but I still felt torn. If we had been chosen, we would have been required, by Georgia law, to remain in the state for seven days before we could leave with the baby. What if my father didn't make it? My mother would have been forced to either have the funeral without me and my husband there, or prolong her own suffering by waiting until we could leave the state to bury him. I certainly couldn't leave Kurt in a hotel room with a newborn baby if I had to leave urgently!
They were all "what if's" but they were questions I had to ask of myself. I was literally sick to my stomach at being faced with what I felt was this captivity the birth mother had placed me under. I realized I was making a decision to do what she wanted without giving consideration to anyone else; I was making a decision to please the birth mother just so she would give us her child.
A sleepless night crept into morning but the phone never rang. We waited and waited but the birth mother never called. Our legal team never heard from her again either. We have no idea what happened. As I said goodbye to my father before he was wheeled into surgery the morning of February 3rd (the day after my birthday), my thoughts immediately went to the child that was coming into this world, somewhere in Georgia; the child that could have been ours. I wondered if it was a boy or a girl; blond hair or brown. What would we have named him or her? We hadn't even decided on names yet!
Only when we were able to visit my dad a few hours after his successful operation did I finally realize that I felt as if I had lost my baby and almost lost my father on the same exact day. I've never experienced a miscarriage but the pain in my heart was no less than what I suspect is the real deal for someone who has lost a baby.
The feeling of being punched in the gut hasn't gone away, and I'm (sadly) to the point where I don't even care if we ever have a baby now. I'm certain my heart won't survive another similar scenario.
Showing posts with label MLJ Adoptions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MLJ Adoptions. Show all posts
Friday, February 12, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Home Study - Check!
We are officially finished with our home study! The awesome adoption preparation director at MLJ Adoptions, Brooke Randolph, dropped off the notarized copies yesterday. It was an unexpected and pleasant surprise to have her drive all the way over to our home to drop it off. Brooke has been simply wonderful through this entire process, and we're so thankful to her for all of her help.
Even though the home study is complete, our work is not yet done. In fact, we're gearing up for another round of filling out paperwork. This time, we're trying to find the funds to pay for the adoption! Part of that means applying for grants.
And we're still feverishly trying to find other ways to raise money for the adoption. As a reminder, please visit www.justlovecoffee.com/TheWhitfields to order some coffee and support us in our efforts. We will receive a portion (albeit a small one) of all the coffees sold through our personal web page. If you're not a coffee drinker, consider buying some and giving it to a co-worker, a friend, a family member, your pastor, your mailman. You get the idea! And we welcome any and all other ideas for fund-raising!
We do know that our profile has been presented to four birth-mothers, most of whom are out of state. Out-of-state adoptions are a good bit more expensive so that means we might need even more money than we initially anticipated. We will be creating an account through LifeSong for Orphans where people can make tax deductible contributions to support our efforts. So, look for that announcement soon.
Back to the birth-mothers reviewing our profiles: As I said, there are four possible matches and five possible children! One mom is expecting twins. The earliest arrival in any of these scenarios could be as soon as January 17th and the latest not until May. Of course, there is always the very real possibility that none of these will come to fruition. So, in every case, we wait.
I must confess that the wait has become much harder than I thought it would be. There are times I'm fine with it but knowing there are four possible matches and then not hearing an update makes the wait almost unbearable. But we are both trying to remain positive and focus on preparation. While we're trying not to get too engrossed in details, we are starting to think about things like strollers, car seats, formula and other newborn necessities.
So, while things continue to move, it feels like we're stagnant! Please continue to pray for us through this journey and pray for the birth mother and child as they also face challenging times.
Happy New Year! All good things...
Even though the home study is complete, our work is not yet done. In fact, we're gearing up for another round of filling out paperwork. This time, we're trying to find the funds to pay for the adoption! Part of that means applying for grants.
And we're still feverishly trying to find other ways to raise money for the adoption. As a reminder, please visit www.justlovecoffee.com/TheWhitfields to order some coffee and support us in our efforts. We will receive a portion (albeit a small one) of all the coffees sold through our personal web page. If you're not a coffee drinker, consider buying some and giving it to a co-worker, a friend, a family member, your pastor, your mailman. You get the idea! And we welcome any and all other ideas for fund-raising!
We do know that our profile has been presented to four birth-mothers, most of whom are out of state. Out-of-state adoptions are a good bit more expensive so that means we might need even more money than we initially anticipated. We will be creating an account through LifeSong for Orphans where people can make tax deductible contributions to support our efforts. So, look for that announcement soon.
Back to the birth-mothers reviewing our profiles: As I said, there are four possible matches and five possible children! One mom is expecting twins. The earliest arrival in any of these scenarios could be as soon as January 17th and the latest not until May. Of course, there is always the very real possibility that none of these will come to fruition. So, in every case, we wait.
I must confess that the wait has become much harder than I thought it would be. There are times I'm fine with it but knowing there are four possible matches and then not hearing an update makes the wait almost unbearable. But we are both trying to remain positive and focus on preparation. While we're trying not to get too engrossed in details, we are starting to think about things like strollers, car seats, formula and other newborn necessities.
So, while things continue to move, it feels like we're stagnant! Please continue to pray for us through this journey and pray for the birth mother and child as they also face challenging times.
Happy New Year! All good things...
Monday, October 26, 2009
Home Study Documents
The home study is in full swing! We have been gathering documents and making copies! It's been a rather interesting process, and as I shuffle all the pieces of paper around, I am very thankful that we don't have as much document gathering to do as our friends who have done or are in the middle of an international adoption. Probably the most fun I am having is completing the autobiographical statement. Of course, being a writer makes it exciting because in some way, I get to tell a story! And I get to go down memory lane to do it. It's also made me thankful for all the hurts and healing that's happened in my life.
I visited with my doctor's office today to get a physical, another part of the home study process. My Nurse Practitioner, Kelley, said she's filled out a number of these types of forms for folks interested in adopting. And she noted that it seems so incredibly difficult to get through the adoption process while so many others are popping kids out left and right and probably shouldn't even be allowed to procreate much less try to raise a family. Unfortunately, for those of us who want desperately to have a child, we are the ones struggling to prove that we are worthy of parenthood while others should be ashamed to call themselves parents.
Hopefully we can complete everything by the end of this week. And then we get to have our interview with Brooke, the Director of Adoption Preparation for MLJ Adoptions.
In the meantime, nothing new on the baby front... still waiting.
And I ask for specific prayers for our good friends, Mark and Diane Goins, who are in a battle to win a favorable decision by a judge in Ukraine to bring home Katarina and Nathaniel. It's been an emotionally and spiritually challenging journey for them, but they are such an inspiration. In the face of it all, they continue to lean on our Lord, and they continue in obedience. This battle is about so much more than the children, but it is the children who need a wonderful family like the Goins's. Please pray fervently for them.
I visited with my doctor's office today to get a physical, another part of the home study process. My Nurse Practitioner, Kelley, said she's filled out a number of these types of forms for folks interested in adopting. And she noted that it seems so incredibly difficult to get through the adoption process while so many others are popping kids out left and right and probably shouldn't even be allowed to procreate much less try to raise a family. Unfortunately, for those of us who want desperately to have a child, we are the ones struggling to prove that we are worthy of parenthood while others should be ashamed to call themselves parents.
Hopefully we can complete everything by the end of this week. And then we get to have our interview with Brooke, the Director of Adoption Preparation for MLJ Adoptions.
In the meantime, nothing new on the baby front... still waiting.
And I ask for specific prayers for our good friends, Mark and Diane Goins, who are in a battle to win a favorable decision by a judge in Ukraine to bring home Katarina and Nathaniel. It's been an emotionally and spiritually challenging journey for them, but they are such an inspiration. In the face of it all, they continue to lean on our Lord, and they continue in obedience. This battle is about so much more than the children, but it is the children who need a wonderful family like the Goins's. Please pray fervently for them.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Seeking Baby
Since the door to adopting in Russia has closed, we have moved forward with a local Indianapolis agency, MLJ Adoptions, and decided on domestic adoption. As we said before, we're a bit freaked out about that concept but we keep reminding ourselves that God already has our child picked out for us. He's in complete control over things, and nothing will change His plan for our lives. Sure there might be some heartbreak in the midst of this adoption process, but I also know there will be great joy. And if God can use us to encourage others and point them toward Him, it's worth it.
Ok... I just got off track there but I speak with great joy and confidence in God's purpose and provision for our future forever family!
What I wanted to say is that we're looking for a baby. Yeah, that sounded pretty weird. I keep hearing that one of the best ways to find a birth-mother is to advertise. I'm still having a hard time swallowing that idea though. I mean, what does our ad look like: Married Caucasian couple seeking healthy newborn of no more than 10 pounds? That's just so unnatural.
And actually, that's not exactly what we'll do. But it feels like that's exactly what we're doing. Sure there is some legitimate advertising that goes on but the agency handles most of that. Our part comes about as we let people know that we're indeed hoping to adopt a newborn (but it doesn't matter how much he or she weighs!). Perhaps you know someone who has a teenage daughter who's gotten herself into a sticky situation. Maybe you're an OB/GYN who sees women who aren't ready or are unable to handle another child. Suppose you have a neighbor who has a cousin in Oregon who has a daughter in Alabama who needs a forever family for her unborn child.
What we're saying is that we'd welcome the connection.
There... I said it. And somehow, it still feels weird! But I know that our God is a wonderful God whose ways are not our ways. And we know that He can do exceedingly and abundantly more than we could have ever imagined. So, if this is part of the road we must travel, so be it!
Ok... I just got off track there but I speak with great joy and confidence in God's purpose and provision for our future forever family!
What I wanted to say is that we're looking for a baby. Yeah, that sounded pretty weird. I keep hearing that one of the best ways to find a birth-mother is to advertise. I'm still having a hard time swallowing that idea though. I mean, what does our ad look like: Married Caucasian couple seeking healthy newborn of no more than 10 pounds? That's just so unnatural.
And actually, that's not exactly what we'll do. But it feels like that's exactly what we're doing. Sure there is some legitimate advertising that goes on but the agency handles most of that. Our part comes about as we let people know that we're indeed hoping to adopt a newborn (but it doesn't matter how much he or she weighs!). Perhaps you know someone who has a teenage daughter who's gotten herself into a sticky situation. Maybe you're an OB/GYN who sees women who aren't ready or are unable to handle another child. Suppose you have a neighbor who has a cousin in Oregon who has a daughter in Alabama who needs a forever family for her unborn child.
What we're saying is that we'd welcome the connection.
There... I said it. And somehow, it still feels weird! But I know that our God is a wonderful God whose ways are not our ways. And we know that He can do exceedingly and abundantly more than we could have ever imagined. So, if this is part of the road we must travel, so be it!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
When One Door Closes...
Everyone's heard the phrase, "When one door closes, God opens another."
My Canadian friend and politician, Serge, often says that in order to be ready for that door to open, you first have to be in the hallway. Well, Kurt and I are in the hallway waiting for the next door to open.
The door to adopting from Russia has closed permanently and apparently has deadbolts on it. We sent in our application - and non-refundable $250 application fee - to America World Adoption Association early in May. There were a number of things that drew us to this organization but one of the biggest things is that I had a positive conversation with a representative about my previous diagnosis of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. She felt that the diagnosis would probably not be an issue even though we wanted to adopt from Russia, a country that will not consider anyone with a history of "mental health issues" such as depression, etc.
A few days after sending in the application (and our non-refundable $250 application fee), we received a call from another young lady from the agency. After going back and forth with them for about a week, we received word from them: We would not be considered as adoptive parents in Russia. Final answer.
I expressed my frustration with the young woman and told her that we felt deceived. They now had our $250 non-refundable fee but we never made it past the application process. (I am curious to know what they did with that $250 - aside of just telling us that we can't adopt from Russia after they told that we probably would be able to adopt from Russia.) She recommended we go through the Grievance Procedure to see if we could get our money back. I'm not holding my breath.
Kurt and I are incredibly disappointed but it has become clear that God doesn't want us to adopt from Russia, and we're learning to accept that. This experience has also shown us the tremendous risk in adopting. We specifically chose to go with international adoption because there seemed to be less risk than domestic adoption, where a birth-mother could easily change her mind. But if you look at it from the international perspective, it may not be the birth-mother changing her mind. It could just be the country that changes its mind for one reason or another.
My mom was pretty ticked off when I told her the news. And a few others have made similar comments: "They'd rather leave a child alone in an orphan without the love of Godly parents..." But I'm trying to remember that in this process, it's not about finding a child for a family. It is about finding a family for the child.
We did our due diligence and checked with some other agencies about this issue. The response was always the same. In some ways I feel responsible - like I'm some sort of freak of nature because of my diagnosis. But I can't change what happened to me. And I am proud of the person I have become despite those obstacles.
A new path is being forged. We are now moving forward with domestic adoption and have chosen MLJ Adoptions as our agency of choice. We hope to have a profile completed very soon so birth-mother's can start to consider us as possible choices to raise their child(ren). It's all in God's Hands; and they're mighty Hands indeed!
My Canadian friend and politician, Serge, often says that in order to be ready for that door to open, you first have to be in the hallway. Well, Kurt and I are in the hallway waiting for the next door to open.
The door to adopting from Russia has closed permanently and apparently has deadbolts on it. We sent in our application - and non-refundable $250 application fee - to America World Adoption Association early in May. There were a number of things that drew us to this organization but one of the biggest things is that I had a positive conversation with a representative about my previous diagnosis of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. She felt that the diagnosis would probably not be an issue even though we wanted to adopt from Russia, a country that will not consider anyone with a history of "mental health issues" such as depression, etc.
A few days after sending in the application (and our non-refundable $250 application fee), we received a call from another young lady from the agency. After going back and forth with them for about a week, we received word from them: We would not be considered as adoptive parents in Russia. Final answer.
I expressed my frustration with the young woman and told her that we felt deceived. They now had our $250 non-refundable fee but we never made it past the application process. (I am curious to know what they did with that $250 - aside of just telling us that we can't adopt from Russia after they told that we probably would be able to adopt from Russia.) She recommended we go through the Grievance Procedure to see if we could get our money back. I'm not holding my breath.
Kurt and I are incredibly disappointed but it has become clear that God doesn't want us to adopt from Russia, and we're learning to accept that. This experience has also shown us the tremendous risk in adopting. We specifically chose to go with international adoption because there seemed to be less risk than domestic adoption, where a birth-mother could easily change her mind. But if you look at it from the international perspective, it may not be the birth-mother changing her mind. It could just be the country that changes its mind for one reason or another.
My mom was pretty ticked off when I told her the news. And a few others have made similar comments: "They'd rather leave a child alone in an orphan without the love of Godly parents..." But I'm trying to remember that in this process, it's not about finding a child for a family. It is about finding a family for the child.
We did our due diligence and checked with some other agencies about this issue. The response was always the same. In some ways I feel responsible - like I'm some sort of freak of nature because of my diagnosis. But I can't change what happened to me. And I am proud of the person I have become despite those obstacles.
A new path is being forged. We are now moving forward with domestic adoption and have chosen MLJ Adoptions as our agency of choice. We hope to have a profile completed very soon so birth-mother's can start to consider us as possible choices to raise their child(ren). It's all in God's Hands; and they're mighty Hands indeed!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Guest Blogger - MLJ Adoptions
This blog was written by my friend, Brooke Randolph. I met Brooke through Smaller Indiana (www.smallerindiana.com). Our initial meeting was to discuss a book project on Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Brooke is a licensed therapist and is experienced in the treatment of trauma. But through our conversation, I learned that she is also the Director of Adoption Preparation at MLJ Adoptions, Inc. I asked her to prepare a blog about what newcomers to the adoption process might expect. I hope you find this as informative as I did! And a special thanks to Brooke for her willingness to share her insight.
You can expect to feel overwhelmed at some point. There are many steps involved, much to gather, and lots of forms (this is a legal process where we work with multiple governments with international adoption). We make every effort to give you the information you need at the moment you need it and then break it into manageable steps. Take your time to read things carefully. The answer to your question is likely in front of you. It is also important to know what you are signing. If you get overwhelmed by the information presented, take a break and come back to it later rather than starting to skim or giving up. Or you can start at the beginning and follow directions one paragraph or sentence at a time. It may be tempting to work ahead, but timing can be important in this journey. When taking on tasks that require several steps, such as gathering the documentation needed for your home study, it may help to divide and conquer - delegate certain tasks to one parent or the other.
You can expect some stress as you deal with things that are out of your control. Part of our educational program (http://www.mljadoptions.com/Homestudy.aspx) discusses how to manage stress as you wait, prepare, and adjust to life with a child. Further information and tools can be found on my website (http://www.brooke-randolph.com/Courses.aspx). Make sure that you are taking care of your physical health, and your mental health will benefit. Take deep breaths and learn to quiet your mind. Utilize your support team and find as many reasons to laugh as possible. It is perfectly ok to have questions or concerns.
You can expect to discover how adoption has touched the lives of many around you. It is amazing how much you learn from and about others when you talk about the things you experience and the things about which you are passionate. You can expect to be blessed by those who want to support you through this journey. However, there will be people who do not understand. However, there will be many who will be excited for you. You can expect opportunities to grow, to learn about yourself, to make new friends, and to discover new passions.
Those choosing to adopt a child for the first time often have no idea what to expect. The staff at MLJ Adoptions try to answer every question as fully as possible, but often with adoption, especially intercountry adoption there is not an exact answer to give. Laws may change, governments may change, fees may change, flights may change, and all of these things (and more) are out of our control. Adoption can be a journey that is made easier by faith, hope, flexibility, and a sense of humor.
You can expect to feel overwhelmed at some point. There are many steps involved, much to gather, and lots of forms (this is a legal process where we work with multiple governments with international adoption). We make every effort to give you the information you need at the moment you need it and then break it into manageable steps. Take your time to read things carefully. The answer to your question is likely in front of you. It is also important to know what you are signing. If you get overwhelmed by the information presented, take a break and come back to it later rather than starting to skim or giving up. Or you can start at the beginning and follow directions one paragraph or sentence at a time. It may be tempting to work ahead, but timing can be important in this journey. When taking on tasks that require several steps, such as gathering the documentation needed for your home study, it may help to divide and conquer - delegate certain tasks to one parent or the other.
You can expect some stress as you deal with things that are out of your control. Part of our educational program (http://www.mljadoptions.com/Homestudy.aspx) discusses how to manage stress as you wait, prepare, and adjust to life with a child. Further information and tools can be found on my website (http://www.brooke-randolph.com/Courses.aspx). Make sure that you are taking care of your physical health, and your mental health will benefit. Take deep breaths and learn to quiet your mind. Utilize your support team and find as many reasons to laugh as possible. It is perfectly ok to have questions or concerns.
You can expect to discover how adoption has touched the lives of many around you. It is amazing how much you learn from and about others when you talk about the things you experience and the things about which you are passionate. You can expect to be blessed by those who want to support you through this journey. However, there will be people who do not understand. However, there will be many who will be excited for you. You can expect opportunities to grow, to learn about yourself, to make new friends, and to discover new passions.
The majority of the time everything works out wonderfully; however, there may be unknowns and complications along the journey. If you can keep your expectations low, you are more likely to be pleasantly surprised. At the end you will have a wonderful story to share with others, including your new child.
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