I have said it before, and I'll say it again. In fact, I'll quote Tom Petty because he said it so eloquently in his song: "The waiting is the hardest part."
I've never been pregnant, but in many ways, I feel like adopting has to be worse than being pregnant. At least a pregnant woman knows the E.T.A. for their child. We don't even know if our birth mother is pregnant yet, and that means we don't know when the child will join our family.
I believe I have been fairly constant in remaining patient in the midst of the wait. I keep reminding myself that God is working behind the scenes, and even though I can't see it, everything has already been set in motion. The few times I have wavered in my calmness, I felt guilty. I beat myself up thinking that I'm not being a strong enough Christian if I doubt or allow a crack to weaken my wall of faith. So, I straighten myself up and remind myself of God's awesome promise, and that He never fails. And that pep talk usually works. Until today...
Earlier this afternoon, I heard a news report that a baby had been found dead in a dumpster. This is when my faith wavers. How? Why? Why would a mother (or father) just let a baby die? Don't they know there are people out there who desperately want to add a child to their family but can't? Don't they know there are people who would willingly take their child if they just don't want it anymore?
In this age of technology and education and resources, why would someone allow death for their child? And yet there are still too many irresponsible people thinking only of themselves in the midst of their chaos - chaos they probably created.
I never dreamed that some day my whole soul would ache so much for a child. Sometimes I feel like the love I already have for our child is so overwhelming that I just can't breath. And this is only the beginning!
There is a purpose for everything, but time is standing still in my life right now. Every minute without a child feels like a moment of lost living. I know I can't put my life on hold (and I don't) but it's just knowing that someday... but not knowing when that someday will be. And in the meantime, another baby dies needlessly.
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Hi Theresia and Kurt,
ReplyDeleteTheresia, when I read your post, the tears just came. My heartaches for both of you. I know sometimes it is very hard for some others to fully understand what it is like when or what a couple goes through when they are unable to have a child of their own. It sounds like you have an awesome support of friends and I think that makes all of the difference. Do not ever feel guilty about the feelings and heartache that come with such an important and life changing issue. Especially, when you both desperately want to have a family. If you did not have these feelings, I would worry about you and be more concerned. I know you both have the faith of a mustard seed and that you are steadfast in your love for God. God also knows your heart & soul and knows your pain and what your heart yearns for.
I will also more than likely not be able have children or it be safe to do so due to medical issues that have now forever changed my life. I also risk passing on genes for the congenital brain and spinal cord condition that we now know to be an inherited condition in my family. I do not think I could ever forgive myself if I passed this on to my own child. It can be very disabling. If I were able to get pregnant (and I still need to have a husband for that), it would be an extremely high risk pregnancy. I keep praying for God to heal me or for Him to help me to find the right doctors and care I need to get this condition under control and to the point that I can have a more productive life. But, it has to be His will and if it is not his will, then that is a whole different issue. That is one of the tougher ones for me. It is a very painful and raw area and it leaves a huge hole in my heart. Every where I (or you) go there are children. And a lot of times friends, family, and others have children or are having children .... and I wonder why. Sometimes I want to scream out and cry out to God. Why? I do not fully understand His plan and sometimes I get angry. Know that it is okay to let down, cry, and scream out. It is part of the process and will keep you healthy and a little less stressed(as much as that seems possible). I do not fully understand what you both are going through, but I understand a little. Know that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I will also continue to follow your blog. This is an awesome thing for you to do and to look back on. God Bless .... Jen.
Infanticide is awful, but love reigns supreme. Keep thinking positive thoughts. We're all pulling for you!
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