We found out today that we're back to square one with the adoption process. The birth mother we spoke to a couple of weeks ago has chosen another family to adopt her child. For them, we are thrilled. And we are excited to know that her child will have a good home to go to. For us, it's a little bittersweet.
I don't know that either one of us was absolutely certain of this particular situation for a variety of reasons but we were certainly willing to explore the opportunity. And even though there were some initial questions on our part, we were at peace with moving forward. Perhaps it's mothers-instinct that kicked in but I never really thought we would be chosen. And yet, now that we know we weren't chosen, it's incredibly disappointing. In some ways it feels like finding out you're not pregnant. You know, you go through a few days of nausea, not starting on time and when you finally take that test, the indicator says "Not pregnant".
Our attorney says the birth mother was happy with our profile and that her choice was likely made because she spoke to the other couple before she spoke to us. It feels good to know that we were in the final running but at the same token, it's hard not to take it personal. I have spent so much time over these last few weeks sorting through newborn clothing and items to sell at the garage sale, then re-sorting to take some of those items to Once Upon a Child or to Crisis Pregnancy Center that my heart was getting more and more attached to the idea of being a mother. For each batch of items I took to Once Upon a Child, I'd wander around the store, fingering the tiny newborn items and marveling at the wonder of a new life. The pull of motherhood, wanting to hold a baby in my arms... has been simply overwhelming.
It's hard not to get attached emotionally. I love a child I haven't even met yet with every fiber of my being. I know the risk involved in this adoption process but I also know the reward will be more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined. And I must keep reminding myself that God is STILL in control.
On a side note: Please be in prayer for our wonderful friends, Mark and Diane and their three kids as they travel to Ukraine tomorrow to redeem the little girl God has chosen for them. (And who knows, maybe there's more than one child waiting for them?!) They have waited a long time, and we wish them only God's best.