If my memory serves me correct, there's a song called The Ride by Hank Williams, Jr. And no, that's not what I'm referring to in the title of this particular blog post! This ride I"m referring to is the emotional roller coaster ride that comes with adoption and family in general. I've never been a big fan of roller coasters and the last four months in particular have reminded me why.
To recap: In the last four months, my best friend's son died, we put Bo down the next day, we've had six potential matches with six clear rejections, and my father had a heart attack and then had triple bypass surgery. The last two just occurred over the last three weeks.
Dad is doing well, and we hope he'll be released from the hospital in about another week. Thank God for that news! Hopefully he won't have any more set backs as he did just a few days after his surgery (which landed him back in CVICU).
I was on the road by myself on Monday, February 1 for what would normally be a 10 or 10.5 hour drive. I knew the drive would be expanded by at least two hours, if not more, because of a rock slide on I-40 in Asheville which meant a massive detour. The region had also just been dumped with nearly a foot of snow, which could potentially increase drive-time. On my drive down to SC to be there for my parents and my brother, Chris, I got a call from our adoption law team. Amber informed me that she had gotten a call from a birth mother who was scheduled to have a C-section in two days. The delivery of her child would take place on the day my dad was to have his surgery. The birth mother was in Georgia - convenient, right? The birth mother was also anxious to make a decision - NOW. She had already had counseling and had spoken to an attorney in Atlanta, where she was due to give birth. Amber arranged for the birth mother to call me. Our first conversations were quite amusing, and we made arrangements for her to call me later in the evening when she got off work.
Since Kurt wasn't with me due to his work situation, we tried to make sure the birth mother knew we'd be available to arrange a conference call. But birth mother started asking some bizarre questions; we came to find out from Amber that she was insisting Kurt and I be at the hospital in the delivery room when she gave birth. But birth mother was concerned that I had "divided interests" with the situation with my father. Ya think?
Between conversations with me and with Kurt, we spoke to birth mother no less than six times. She reached out to Amber an additional six times. It seemed like a done deal. Before we finally turned in for the night, birth mother promised us she would call us the next morning for our big conference call (at 6 am, no less). Kurt and I were already thinking about how he would immediately get on a plane to Georgia and I'd meet him there for the delivery.
In the meantime, my heart was indeed conflicted and divided. My purpose was to be there for my family. My fear was that my dad wouldn't live long enough to see his first grandchild. How could I leave my family in the midst of such a challenging time? Both of my parents gave me their blessing to go and be with "our child" (if birth mother chose us) and that this would be something for all of us to look forward to. I tried to buy into their enthusiasm but I still felt torn. If we had been chosen, we would have been required, by Georgia law, to remain in the state for seven days before we could leave with the baby. What if my father didn't make it? My mother would have been forced to either have the funeral without me and my husband there, or prolong her own suffering by waiting until we could leave the state to bury him. I certainly couldn't leave Kurt in a hotel room with a newborn baby if I had to leave urgently!
They were all "what if's" but they were questions I had to ask of myself. I was literally sick to my stomach at being faced with what I felt was this captivity the birth mother had placed me under. I realized I was making a decision to do what she wanted without giving consideration to anyone else; I was making a decision to please the birth mother just so she would give us her child.
A sleepless night crept into morning but the phone never rang. We waited and waited but the birth mother never called. Our legal team never heard from her again either. We have no idea what happened. As I said goodbye to my father before he was wheeled into surgery the morning of February 3rd (the day after my birthday), my thoughts immediately went to the child that was coming into this world, somewhere in Georgia; the child that could have been ours. I wondered if it was a boy or a girl; blond hair or brown. What would we have named him or her? We hadn't even decided on names yet!
Only when we were able to visit my dad a few hours after his successful operation did I finally realize that I felt as if I had lost my baby and almost lost my father on the same exact day. I've never experienced a miscarriage but the pain in my heart was no less than what I suspect is the real deal for someone who has lost a baby.
The feeling of being punched in the gut hasn't gone away, and I'm (sadly) to the point where I don't even care if we ever have a baby now. I'm certain my heart won't survive another similar scenario.
Showing posts with label birth-mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birth-mother. Show all posts
Friday, February 12, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Home Study - Check!
We are officially finished with our home study! The awesome adoption preparation director at MLJ Adoptions, Brooke Randolph, dropped off the notarized copies yesterday. It was an unexpected and pleasant surprise to have her drive all the way over to our home to drop it off. Brooke has been simply wonderful through this entire process, and we're so thankful to her for all of her help.
Even though the home study is complete, our work is not yet done. In fact, we're gearing up for another round of filling out paperwork. This time, we're trying to find the funds to pay for the adoption! Part of that means applying for grants.
And we're still feverishly trying to find other ways to raise money for the adoption. As a reminder, please visit www.justlovecoffee.com/TheWhitfields to order some coffee and support us in our efforts. We will receive a portion (albeit a small one) of all the coffees sold through our personal web page. If you're not a coffee drinker, consider buying some and giving it to a co-worker, a friend, a family member, your pastor, your mailman. You get the idea! And we welcome any and all other ideas for fund-raising!
We do know that our profile has been presented to four birth-mothers, most of whom are out of state. Out-of-state adoptions are a good bit more expensive so that means we might need even more money than we initially anticipated. We will be creating an account through LifeSong for Orphans where people can make tax deductible contributions to support our efforts. So, look for that announcement soon.
Back to the birth-mothers reviewing our profiles: As I said, there are four possible matches and five possible children! One mom is expecting twins. The earliest arrival in any of these scenarios could be as soon as January 17th and the latest not until May. Of course, there is always the very real possibility that none of these will come to fruition. So, in every case, we wait.
I must confess that the wait has become much harder than I thought it would be. There are times I'm fine with it but knowing there are four possible matches and then not hearing an update makes the wait almost unbearable. But we are both trying to remain positive and focus on preparation. While we're trying not to get too engrossed in details, we are starting to think about things like strollers, car seats, formula and other newborn necessities.
So, while things continue to move, it feels like we're stagnant! Please continue to pray for us through this journey and pray for the birth mother and child as they also face challenging times.
Happy New Year! All good things...
Even though the home study is complete, our work is not yet done. In fact, we're gearing up for another round of filling out paperwork. This time, we're trying to find the funds to pay for the adoption! Part of that means applying for grants.
And we're still feverishly trying to find other ways to raise money for the adoption. As a reminder, please visit www.justlovecoffee.com/TheWhitfields to order some coffee and support us in our efforts. We will receive a portion (albeit a small one) of all the coffees sold through our personal web page. If you're not a coffee drinker, consider buying some and giving it to a co-worker, a friend, a family member, your pastor, your mailman. You get the idea! And we welcome any and all other ideas for fund-raising!
We do know that our profile has been presented to four birth-mothers, most of whom are out of state. Out-of-state adoptions are a good bit more expensive so that means we might need even more money than we initially anticipated. We will be creating an account through LifeSong for Orphans where people can make tax deductible contributions to support our efforts. So, look for that announcement soon.
Back to the birth-mothers reviewing our profiles: As I said, there are four possible matches and five possible children! One mom is expecting twins. The earliest arrival in any of these scenarios could be as soon as January 17th and the latest not until May. Of course, there is always the very real possibility that none of these will come to fruition. So, in every case, we wait.
I must confess that the wait has become much harder than I thought it would be. There are times I'm fine with it but knowing there are four possible matches and then not hearing an update makes the wait almost unbearable. But we are both trying to remain positive and focus on preparation. While we're trying not to get too engrossed in details, we are starting to think about things like strollers, car seats, formula and other newborn necessities.
So, while things continue to move, it feels like we're stagnant! Please continue to pray for us through this journey and pray for the birth mother and child as they also face challenging times.
Happy New Year! All good things...
Monday, December 14, 2009
And then there were three...
I haven't written much lately. And to be honest, I'm really not in the mood to write much now, but I need to get back into blogging.
The reason for my lack of excitement is because the Whitfield family is now down to three members. We finally had to put Bojangles down. The medicine he was taking to treat his inflammatory bowel disease caused him to develop diabetes. He was a sick little kitty, and it just wasn't right to make him suffer any more. One month ago today, Bo passed away peacefully. Part of me can't forgive myself for ending his life but I also wrestle with the knowledge that he wasn't feeling good for the last couple years of his life. Oh, I so selfishly wanted to keep him around forever. And I still ache to hold him.
Bo and I went through so much together. I got him when I hadn't quite gotten over the loss of my other cat, Lyric. It was too soon so our relationship started off a bit rocky. He sensed that I was still grieving. And he was a stray cat so he had a bit of a wild streak in him. Boy did he ever! He was often like the kid (or celebrity) who thinks all attention is good attention, even if it's because you've gotten attention for doing bad things. He wouldn't sit on my lap for the longest time, and I honestly prayed he would come around. When he did start sitting on my lap, he always wanted to sit on my lap. And I mean always - on the couch, at the dinner table, when I was standing up, on the commode! If I left a room, it was rare that he didn't follow me. Naps together were non-negotiable. And he was a talker. Or, maybe I should say a grunter. He often grunted instead of meow. And his grunts had meaning; each sound designated for a specific need. Get up - now! Feed me - now! Take a nap - now! Pet me - now!
Bo was my only source of comfort after 9/11. I remember going home after leaving the Pentagon area and holding him close to my face. He rubbed his face against mine as if to say he was there for me. He was the only one who seemed to understand my fear, my pain, my grief. He was my constant companion in the healing process.
When Kurt and Fletcher came into the picture, he fought hard to maintain his status as tops in my life! And if he ever felt that Fletcher overstayed his welcome, he stalked him like an undiagnosed schizophrenic certain the world was after him. And then Kurt and I had to go and get married. That meant the dog was never leaving! I had high hopes that they would become the best of buddies; that one day we'd find them curled up together snoring away the hours. That never happened, although I do think they befriended each other in a non-assuming way. Today Fletcher seems lonely. Now he is the one who follows me around the house every time I move. Thankfully he hasn't tried to sit on my lap while I'm on the toilet or jump on my dresser to knock things down (in an effort to get my attention in the middle of the night) yet.
Fletcher is the best dog anyone could ever ask for, and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. But my home and my heart is empty without Bo, without hearing his purr at the slightest touch. Sleep isn't the same without feeling his little body snuggled next to mine, fitting perfectly into the curve of my frame. I can't believe I hurt so much over what so many would say was "just a cat". But he was so much more than that to me, and I miss him terribly.
I'm one of those people who believes that all God's creatures go to heaven. And I believe that Bo is in heaven playing... and he's playing with Hunter.
Hunter is the son of my dearest friend, Trinette. Hunter went to be with the Lord the day before Bo died. Our Little Man suffered so much in his short eight-and-a-half years but we know that he's whole and complete now. For Hunter, there is no more pain and for those he left behind, that knowledge brings us peace, even amidst the tears. Trinette is the strongest woman I have ever known, and I constantly marvel at her faith and tenacity. She's an inspiration to me, and I hope to be the loving, devoted mother she was with Hunter, her only child.
As for the adoption, we continue to wait. We completed our home study interview this past week, and we're thankful to have that behind us. We will need to complete 10 hours of adoption preparation but that should be a fairly simple task. Beyond that, we wait. It's been five months since we started this process, and the wait is becoming more difficult day-by-day. We will soon assess what we need to do to let expectant mother's who are considering adoption know we're out there and available. If anyone has any good ideas, please share them with us! In the meantime, please continue to pray for us as well as the birth mother and child God has chosen for us.
Until next time...
Monday, October 12, 2009
New Web Site
As the wait continues, we continue to do what we can to get the word out. We have created a new web site which we hope will reach a wide audience of potential birth mothers. Please take a look and let us know what you think. http://www.ktandbabymakesthree.com.
This web site is birth-mom directed and will maintain a bit of autonomy for us. But we appreciate your willingness to share it with your friends and family. I will be updating the blog on that site often, so feel free to check back regularly or sign up for RSS feeds.
We're also still in the fund raising process. We still have a couch for sale, and we've reduced the price - again! It is now $75, but we'll take whatever we can get at this point!
We will soon begin exploring other ways to raise funds but we can assure you it will NOT be another garage sale! :-)
We continue to thank you for your constant prayers and support. We couldn't do this without you!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Match Update
We found out today that we're back to square one with the adoption process. The birth mother we spoke to a couple of weeks ago has chosen another family to adopt her child. For them, we are thrilled. And we are excited to know that her child will have a good home to go to. For us, it's a little bittersweet.
I don't know that either one of us was absolutely certain of this particular situation for a variety of reasons but we were certainly willing to explore the opportunity. And even though there were some initial questions on our part, we were at peace with moving forward. Perhaps it's mothers-instinct that kicked in but I never really thought we would be chosen. And yet, now that we know we weren't chosen, it's incredibly disappointing. In some ways it feels like finding out you're not pregnant. You know, you go through a few days of nausea, not starting on time and when you finally take that test, the indicator says "Not pregnant".
Our attorney says the birth mother was happy with our profile and that her choice was likely made because she spoke to the other couple before she spoke to us. It feels good to know that we were in the final running but at the same token, it's hard not to take it personal. I have spent so much time over these last few weeks sorting through newborn clothing and items to sell at the garage sale, then re-sorting to take some of those items to Once Upon a Child or to Crisis Pregnancy Center that my heart was getting more and more attached to the idea of being a mother. For each batch of items I took to Once Upon a Child, I'd wander around the store, fingering the tiny newborn items and marveling at the wonder of a new life. The pull of motherhood, wanting to hold a baby in my arms... has been simply overwhelming.
It's hard not to get attached emotionally. I love a child I haven't even met yet with every fiber of my being. I know the risk involved in this adoption process but I also know the reward will be more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined. And I must keep reminding myself that God is STILL in control.
On a side note: Please be in prayer for our wonderful friends, Mark and Diane and their three kids as they travel to Ukraine tomorrow to redeem the little girl God has chosen for them. (And who knows, maybe there's more than one child waiting for them?!) They have waited a long time, and we wish them only God's best.
I don't know that either one of us was absolutely certain of this particular situation for a variety of reasons but we were certainly willing to explore the opportunity. And even though there were some initial questions on our part, we were at peace with moving forward. Perhaps it's mothers-instinct that kicked in but I never really thought we would be chosen. And yet, now that we know we weren't chosen, it's incredibly disappointing. In some ways it feels like finding out you're not pregnant. You know, you go through a few days of nausea, not starting on time and when you finally take that test, the indicator says "Not pregnant".
Our attorney says the birth mother was happy with our profile and that her choice was likely made because she spoke to the other couple before she spoke to us. It feels good to know that we were in the final running but at the same token, it's hard not to take it personal. I have spent so much time over these last few weeks sorting through newborn clothing and items to sell at the garage sale, then re-sorting to take some of those items to Once Upon a Child or to Crisis Pregnancy Center that my heart was getting more and more attached to the idea of being a mother. For each batch of items I took to Once Upon a Child, I'd wander around the store, fingering the tiny newborn items and marveling at the wonder of a new life. The pull of motherhood, wanting to hold a baby in my arms... has been simply overwhelming.
It's hard not to get attached emotionally. I love a child I haven't even met yet with every fiber of my being. I know the risk involved in this adoption process but I also know the reward will be more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined. And I must keep reminding myself that God is STILL in control.
On a side note: Please be in prayer for our wonderful friends, Mark and Diane and their three kids as they travel to Ukraine tomorrow to redeem the little girl God has chosen for them. (And who knows, maybe there's more than one child waiting for them?!) They have waited a long time, and we wish them only God's best.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Fundraiser I - Complete
I can't remember the last time I participated in a garage sale but, I can assure you that I had no recollection of it being such a huge task! But then again, I wasn't using the garage sale as a fundraiser for the adoption of our child either!
Wow! I am still so overwhelmed with everything that's happened in the last couple of weeks. Our first fundraiser was a success. We made about $1700 in two days of selling, selling and even more selling. We still have lots of leftovers but plan on making good use out of those items through donations and other fundraising efforts.
We are so humbled and thankful for the tremendous and overwhelming support we received from so many people. Many gave of their belongings; giving clothes, furniture, electronics, and special mementos for us to sell. Several folks came to help sort and price, and a few more helped during the actual sale with set up, tear down and giving us a few minutes of respite during both days. We truly couldn't have done this without them.
I must say that I am a bit surprised at the result. First, we certainly weren't expecting to make so much money! How wonderful!! And the people I truly expected to be there and help us weren't there. That saddens me greatly. But that sadness and disappointment is replaced with great joy because there were many unexpected helping hands, and we are so grateful.
Maybe I'm wrong for even noticing that aspect of things. But my emotions have been all over the place these last couple of weeks. And part of me wants to remember every single detail - good and bad - so we can one day share them with our little one. The tremendous effort put into making this a reality has been like giving birth. I will never know the pain of labor, but I have gladly labored in many other ways to bring a child into our family.
To add to the ups and downs, we were introduced to a potential match last week. We spoke with a birth mother who wanted to learn more about us and consider us as possible adoptive parents for her baby boy, due in December. The conversation was brief but exciting. We have no idea what's going to happen from here but it doesn't matter. God already knows the outcome, and we're at peace knowing it's all in His faithful Hands.
So, now we sort through the remaining garage sale items, look for other ways to raise funds, prepare for a home study, and wait for the redemption of God's chosen child for us.
Wow! I am still so overwhelmed with everything that's happened in the last couple of weeks. Our first fundraiser was a success. We made about $1700 in two days of selling, selling and even more selling. We still have lots of leftovers but plan on making good use out of those items through donations and other fundraising efforts.
We are so humbled and thankful for the tremendous and overwhelming support we received from so many people. Many gave of their belongings; giving clothes, furniture, electronics, and special mementos for us to sell. Several folks came to help sort and price, and a few more helped during the actual sale with set up, tear down and giving us a few minutes of respite during both days. We truly couldn't have done this without them.
I must say that I am a bit surprised at the result. First, we certainly weren't expecting to make so much money! How wonderful!! And the people I truly expected to be there and help us weren't there. That saddens me greatly. But that sadness and disappointment is replaced with great joy because there were many unexpected helping hands, and we are so grateful.
Maybe I'm wrong for even noticing that aspect of things. But my emotions have been all over the place these last couple of weeks. And part of me wants to remember every single detail - good and bad - so we can one day share them with our little one. The tremendous effort put into making this a reality has been like giving birth. I will never know the pain of labor, but I have gladly labored in many other ways to bring a child into our family.
To add to the ups and downs, we were introduced to a potential match last week. We spoke with a birth mother who wanted to learn more about us and consider us as possible adoptive parents for her baby boy, due in December. The conversation was brief but exciting. We have no idea what's going to happen from here but it doesn't matter. God already knows the outcome, and we're at peace knowing it's all in His faithful Hands.
So, now we sort through the remaining garage sale items, look for other ways to raise funds, prepare for a home study, and wait for the redemption of God's chosen child for us.
Monday, August 10, 2009
New Colors
We've had a fabulous weekend! Our home is getting filled with more and more items donated from people for us to sell in our garage sale in a couple of weeks. Much of our living room is packed and now only one of us is able to park in the garage. But that won't last long, I'm sure!
We also had the opportunity to paint this weekend. We started with the office and, thanks to the awesome help of my awesome mother-in-law, we were able to finish it rather quickly and move on to the guest bedroom, which will turn into the nursery (hopefully soon!). Kurt and I are absolutely thrilled with the colors of both rooms. The nursery will need another coat of paint but that won't be a problem at all.
As my family knows, I'm not the type for much in the way of manual labor! But I must admit that I had the time of my life painting and moving stuff around. My back is still arguing with me but it just felt so good knowing that I was making some necessary changes in preparing for our little one.
Don't forget to mark your calendars for our garage sale/fundraiser, which is scheduled for August 21st and 22nd. And we're still taking donations for items to sell.
We continue to lift up the birth mother and unborn child in prayer!
We also had the opportunity to paint this weekend. We started with the office and, thanks to the awesome help of my awesome mother-in-law, we were able to finish it rather quickly and move on to the guest bedroom, which will turn into the nursery (hopefully soon!). Kurt and I are absolutely thrilled with the colors of both rooms. The nursery will need another coat of paint but that won't be a problem at all.
As my family knows, I'm not the type for much in the way of manual labor! But I must admit that I had the time of my life painting and moving stuff around. My back is still arguing with me but it just felt so good knowing that I was making some necessary changes in preparing for our little one.
Don't forget to mark your calendars for our garage sale/fundraiser, which is scheduled for August 21st and 22nd. And we're still taking donations for items to sell.
We continue to lift up the birth mother and unborn child in prayer!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Available For All To See
Our parent profile has been finalized and goes "live" tomorrow (Saturday, August 1st). We are now on display for all birth mom's to learn more about us and consider us as adoptive parents. Wow. This is such an amazing time for us. We're thrilled with progress so far, and we're humbled to know that God has already picked out our child for us.
Just because the parent profile is finished doesn't mean our work is done. Far from it! Now we need to prepare for our Home Study. But before we do that, we've got some decorating that needs to get done. We have to figure out which room will be the nursery. Which room will then become the guest bedroom? Can we combine my office and Kurt's and still let him have his "man cave"? Once we figure all of that out, we need to paint two of the rooms and lay new carpet. Then we need to rearrange the furniture.
We are blessed that we have a home big enough to have this dilemma!
Oh, and then there's the fund-raising. Our first big attempt at raising some cash comes on August 21st and 22nd with a gigantic garage sale. We've already gotten so many donations from so many people and hope to receive more. And, of course, we hope to sell it all and make some serious cash! LOL!
We'd like to go ahead and apply for loans and/or grants but that can't happen until we have our Home Study. But we can't have our Home Study until we get the rooms taken care of. And we probably can't get the rooms taken care of until we raise some cash! It's one of those never-ending circles.
There's so much going on, but we're so thankful we get to experience this. And I'm so thankful for Kurt and all he's doing to help in these efforts. He's going to be an amazing father!
Until next time...
Just because the parent profile is finished doesn't mean our work is done. Far from it! Now we need to prepare for our Home Study. But before we do that, we've got some decorating that needs to get done. We have to figure out which room will be the nursery. Which room will then become the guest bedroom? Can we combine my office and Kurt's and still let him have his "man cave"? Once we figure all of that out, we need to paint two of the rooms and lay new carpet. Then we need to rearrange the furniture.
We are blessed that we have a home big enough to have this dilemma!
Oh, and then there's the fund-raising. Our first big attempt at raising some cash comes on August 21st and 22nd with a gigantic garage sale. We've already gotten so many donations from so many people and hope to receive more. And, of course, we hope to sell it all and make some serious cash! LOL!
We'd like to go ahead and apply for loans and/or grants but that can't happen until we have our Home Study. But we can't have our Home Study until we get the rooms taken care of. And we probably can't get the rooms taken care of until we raise some cash! It's one of those never-ending circles.
There's so much going on, but we're so thankful we get to experience this. And I'm so thankful for Kurt and all he's doing to help in these efforts. He's going to be an amazing father!
Until next time...
Monday, July 13, 2009
The Profile
One component of the domestic adoption process is completing a profile which includes a variety of photos and details about the adoptive parents. The profiles are reviewed by birth mom's. The profiles are written in such a way that should give the birth mom an idea of who her child's potential parents could be. From the profile, the birth mom decides who she would like to meet and consider further for the placement of her child.
Ok, that sounded rather clinical didn't it? Well, that's sort of how I feel about this part of the process. As a writer, I have never written a more important document in my life! But how can I possibly tell the woman who may give up her child to my care for the rest of its life everything there is to know about our family in just a few pages of black ink? Kurt and I are so much more than what we put down on paper. Kurt said he felt like he was co-writing a resume. And just as in a job search, I am confident that, if you met me in person, you'd love me! You'd want to hire me immediately. Or you'd want me to be the mother of your child!
We have completed our profile, which took a lot longer than I thought. I'm an emotional writer so I was pretty happy with what was written early on. Kurt is the perfectionist so it took him a bit longer! But his additions were simply wonderful. It also took a long time to put our photos together. I look too big in that one. Ewww... I'm not wearing make up in that one. Oh, I like this, except he has his eyes closed. Why can't we find a picture of us with the dog and the cat together? Oh yeah, the cat doesn't like the dog so putting them next to each other long enough to take a photo would simply be... ugly.
But I think we finally got it. It's in the hands of the agency/lawyer now. Well, actually it's in God's Hands. I can't even begin to imagine having to make this type of decision in the first place but then to make the decision based on a few pieces of impersonal paper and fuzzy photos in what can only be described as marketing material. It's just beyond my wildest imagination, and in some ways, I grieve for the mother. The helper in me wants to make this an easier process but I know I can't.
Right now all I can do is pray that we have portrayed ourselves accurately without sounding superficial or sterile. And that what we have written will be intriguing enough to bring us to parenthood.
Ok, that sounded rather clinical didn't it? Well, that's sort of how I feel about this part of the process. As a writer, I have never written a more important document in my life! But how can I possibly tell the woman who may give up her child to my care for the rest of its life everything there is to know about our family in just a few pages of black ink? Kurt and I are so much more than what we put down on paper. Kurt said he felt like he was co-writing a resume. And just as in a job search, I am confident that, if you met me in person, you'd love me! You'd want to hire me immediately. Or you'd want me to be the mother of your child!
We have completed our profile, which took a lot longer than I thought. I'm an emotional writer so I was pretty happy with what was written early on. Kurt is the perfectionist so it took him a bit longer! But his additions were simply wonderful. It also took a long time to put our photos together. I look too big in that one. Ewww... I'm not wearing make up in that one. Oh, I like this, except he has his eyes closed. Why can't we find a picture of us with the dog and the cat together? Oh yeah, the cat doesn't like the dog so putting them next to each other long enough to take a photo would simply be... ugly.
But I think we finally got it. It's in the hands of the agency/lawyer now. Well, actually it's in God's Hands. I can't even begin to imagine having to make this type of decision in the first place but then to make the decision based on a few pieces of impersonal paper and fuzzy photos in what can only be described as marketing material. It's just beyond my wildest imagination, and in some ways, I grieve for the mother. The helper in me wants to make this an easier process but I know I can't.
Right now all I can do is pray that we have portrayed ourselves accurately without sounding superficial or sterile. And that what we have written will be intriguing enough to bring us to parenthood.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Seeking Baby
Since the door to adopting in Russia has closed, we have moved forward with a local Indianapolis agency, MLJ Adoptions, and decided on domestic adoption. As we said before, we're a bit freaked out about that concept but we keep reminding ourselves that God already has our child picked out for us. He's in complete control over things, and nothing will change His plan for our lives. Sure there might be some heartbreak in the midst of this adoption process, but I also know there will be great joy. And if God can use us to encourage others and point them toward Him, it's worth it.
Ok... I just got off track there but I speak with great joy and confidence in God's purpose and provision for our future forever family!
What I wanted to say is that we're looking for a baby. Yeah, that sounded pretty weird. I keep hearing that one of the best ways to find a birth-mother is to advertise. I'm still having a hard time swallowing that idea though. I mean, what does our ad look like: Married Caucasian couple seeking healthy newborn of no more than 10 pounds? That's just so unnatural.
And actually, that's not exactly what we'll do. But it feels like that's exactly what we're doing. Sure there is some legitimate advertising that goes on but the agency handles most of that. Our part comes about as we let people know that we're indeed hoping to adopt a newborn (but it doesn't matter how much he or she weighs!). Perhaps you know someone who has a teenage daughter who's gotten herself into a sticky situation. Maybe you're an OB/GYN who sees women who aren't ready or are unable to handle another child. Suppose you have a neighbor who has a cousin in Oregon who has a daughter in Alabama who needs a forever family for her unborn child.
What we're saying is that we'd welcome the connection.
There... I said it. And somehow, it still feels weird! But I know that our God is a wonderful God whose ways are not our ways. And we know that He can do exceedingly and abundantly more than we could have ever imagined. So, if this is part of the road we must travel, so be it!
Ok... I just got off track there but I speak with great joy and confidence in God's purpose and provision for our future forever family!
What I wanted to say is that we're looking for a baby. Yeah, that sounded pretty weird. I keep hearing that one of the best ways to find a birth-mother is to advertise. I'm still having a hard time swallowing that idea though. I mean, what does our ad look like: Married Caucasian couple seeking healthy newborn of no more than 10 pounds? That's just so unnatural.
And actually, that's not exactly what we'll do. But it feels like that's exactly what we're doing. Sure there is some legitimate advertising that goes on but the agency handles most of that. Our part comes about as we let people know that we're indeed hoping to adopt a newborn (but it doesn't matter how much he or she weighs!). Perhaps you know someone who has a teenage daughter who's gotten herself into a sticky situation. Maybe you're an OB/GYN who sees women who aren't ready or are unable to handle another child. Suppose you have a neighbor who has a cousin in Oregon who has a daughter in Alabama who needs a forever family for her unborn child.
What we're saying is that we'd welcome the connection.
There... I said it. And somehow, it still feels weird! But I know that our God is a wonderful God whose ways are not our ways. And we know that He can do exceedingly and abundantly more than we could have ever imagined. So, if this is part of the road we must travel, so be it!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
When One Door Closes...
Everyone's heard the phrase, "When one door closes, God opens another."
My Canadian friend and politician, Serge, often says that in order to be ready for that door to open, you first have to be in the hallway. Well, Kurt and I are in the hallway waiting for the next door to open.
The door to adopting from Russia has closed permanently and apparently has deadbolts on it. We sent in our application - and non-refundable $250 application fee - to America World Adoption Association early in May. There were a number of things that drew us to this organization but one of the biggest things is that I had a positive conversation with a representative about my previous diagnosis of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. She felt that the diagnosis would probably not be an issue even though we wanted to adopt from Russia, a country that will not consider anyone with a history of "mental health issues" such as depression, etc.
A few days after sending in the application (and our non-refundable $250 application fee), we received a call from another young lady from the agency. After going back and forth with them for about a week, we received word from them: We would not be considered as adoptive parents in Russia. Final answer.
I expressed my frustration with the young woman and told her that we felt deceived. They now had our $250 non-refundable fee but we never made it past the application process. (I am curious to know what they did with that $250 - aside of just telling us that we can't adopt from Russia after they told that we probably would be able to adopt from Russia.) She recommended we go through the Grievance Procedure to see if we could get our money back. I'm not holding my breath.
Kurt and I are incredibly disappointed but it has become clear that God doesn't want us to adopt from Russia, and we're learning to accept that. This experience has also shown us the tremendous risk in adopting. We specifically chose to go with international adoption because there seemed to be less risk than domestic adoption, where a birth-mother could easily change her mind. But if you look at it from the international perspective, it may not be the birth-mother changing her mind. It could just be the country that changes its mind for one reason or another.
My mom was pretty ticked off when I told her the news. And a few others have made similar comments: "They'd rather leave a child alone in an orphan without the love of Godly parents..." But I'm trying to remember that in this process, it's not about finding a child for a family. It is about finding a family for the child.
We did our due diligence and checked with some other agencies about this issue. The response was always the same. In some ways I feel responsible - like I'm some sort of freak of nature because of my diagnosis. But I can't change what happened to me. And I am proud of the person I have become despite those obstacles.
A new path is being forged. We are now moving forward with domestic adoption and have chosen MLJ Adoptions as our agency of choice. We hope to have a profile completed very soon so birth-mother's can start to consider us as possible choices to raise their child(ren). It's all in God's Hands; and they're mighty Hands indeed!
My Canadian friend and politician, Serge, often says that in order to be ready for that door to open, you first have to be in the hallway. Well, Kurt and I are in the hallway waiting for the next door to open.
The door to adopting from Russia has closed permanently and apparently has deadbolts on it. We sent in our application - and non-refundable $250 application fee - to America World Adoption Association early in May. There were a number of things that drew us to this organization but one of the biggest things is that I had a positive conversation with a representative about my previous diagnosis of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. She felt that the diagnosis would probably not be an issue even though we wanted to adopt from Russia, a country that will not consider anyone with a history of "mental health issues" such as depression, etc.
A few days after sending in the application (and our non-refundable $250 application fee), we received a call from another young lady from the agency. After going back and forth with them for about a week, we received word from them: We would not be considered as adoptive parents in Russia. Final answer.
I expressed my frustration with the young woman and told her that we felt deceived. They now had our $250 non-refundable fee but we never made it past the application process. (I am curious to know what they did with that $250 - aside of just telling us that we can't adopt from Russia after they told that we probably would be able to adopt from Russia.) She recommended we go through the Grievance Procedure to see if we could get our money back. I'm not holding my breath.
Kurt and I are incredibly disappointed but it has become clear that God doesn't want us to adopt from Russia, and we're learning to accept that. This experience has also shown us the tremendous risk in adopting. We specifically chose to go with international adoption because there seemed to be less risk than domestic adoption, where a birth-mother could easily change her mind. But if you look at it from the international perspective, it may not be the birth-mother changing her mind. It could just be the country that changes its mind for one reason or another.
My mom was pretty ticked off when I told her the news. And a few others have made similar comments: "They'd rather leave a child alone in an orphan without the love of Godly parents..." But I'm trying to remember that in this process, it's not about finding a child for a family. It is about finding a family for the child.
We did our due diligence and checked with some other agencies about this issue. The response was always the same. In some ways I feel responsible - like I'm some sort of freak of nature because of my diagnosis. But I can't change what happened to me. And I am proud of the person I have become despite those obstacles.
A new path is being forged. We are now moving forward with domestic adoption and have chosen MLJ Adoptions as our agency of choice. We hope to have a profile completed very soon so birth-mother's can start to consider us as possible choices to raise their child(ren). It's all in God's Hands; and they're mighty Hands indeed!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)